Coffee Table
Age ...
Date of Birth ...
Gender ...
Species Coffee Table
Stage The Living Room
Unlockable Costume Volcanic Table
Rival Snorksbob
Friend Nikshaker




The Coffee Table is a sentient coffee table.

The origins of the Coffee Table, its powers, and the identity of who (or what) created it is a complete mystery. Since the Coffee Table is incapable of speech, it is unable to share these details, as well as its own thoughts.


The Coffee Table appears to be a docile creature under most situations. However, it has been observed that it will attack and kill its victims if provoked, by using its edges to inflict severe blunt trauma to 'hotspots' near the vital organs of the assailant, such as to the chest, skull, or spinal column, or by using its legs to asphyxiate and/or smother the assailant by applying intense pressure to the throat or thorax near the diaphragm.

Note that, as stated above, the Coffee Table only reacts to these criterion if they are clearly being exerted by another organism. A machine fulfilling these criterion will yield no reaction. Currently known provocations are:

  • Touching the Coffee Table for extended periods of time, even slightly (the time "granted" by the Coffee Table greatly decreases as the force of the touch rises; typically only around 15 seconds are allotted for a typical touch before the Coffee Table reacts)
  • Applying a significant amount of force to the Coffee Table for any amount of time (estimated to be approximately 70 Newtons for the main body, and approximately 45 Newtons for the legs) 
  • Lighting any fire, or having a source of heat above 160° Celsius within approximately 6 meters of the Coffee Table
  • Performing an activity producing noticable movement and/or sound for over 3 minutes while within approximately 3.5 meters of the Coffee Table
  • While near the Coffee Table it is absolutely essential to not [REDACTED]

The Coffee Table has been observed to have extremely odd life functions. While it is most definitely either alive or controlled by some otherworldly force (it has proved on multiple occassions to be able to move of its own accord, and signs of its sentience have been picked up by [REDACTED]), it does not immediately fulfill any of the six characteristics of life. No tests have been able to succesfully yield a sample of the Coffee Table, so whether it is made of cells (and, if it has them, whether they are plant or animal, or even prokaryotic or eukaryotic) is as of yet unknown. It is also, therefore, not known whether its functions consume any energy. Since no other Coffee Table of its kind is known to exist, it can be assumed that the Coffee Table reproduces asexually; however, it has not yet provided any offspring, and so whether it reproduces and evolves is unclear as well.

It has never been seen consuming any food or producing any waste. It is assumed to be an autotroph using some (potentially altered or undiscovered) form of photosynthesis to produce its sustenance.


It is known, however, that the Coffee Table is intelligent enough to adjust to its environment; when placed in an unfamiliar environment with and provoked by test subject [DATA EXPUNGED], the Coffee Table was able to use the features of its location to its advantage to pursue and kill him. In addition, the Coffee Table seems to possess extreme intelligence. To test this, a complex, physical-oriented puzzle was prepared and given to test subject [DATA EXPUNGED], known for his genius-level intellect. After approximately one hour, he was able to solve it. However, the Coffee Table was able to complete the task in only five minutes, suggesting that, if it was a human, its IQ would be approximately 2160.


The Coffee Table appears to be unable to be destroyed by normal means.

The following methods have proved unsuccessful in even damaging the Coffee Table:

  • Striking it with an axe (a feat attempted by test subject [DATA EXPUNGED], notable for his physical strength; soon after he was killed by the Coffee Table)
  • Burning it with a gas fire reaching temperatures of over 900° Celsius
  • Applying over 2000 Newtons of force to it using a piston
  • Detonating an explosive underneath it, which released one gigajoule of energy


The Coffee Table is currently being contained in chamber 306 of the east hall of the south wing of the facility. Its threat level in containment is classified as 3, while its threat level when breached is classified as a full 10. The Coffee Table is therefore not to be let out of its chamber under any circumstances.


And yet, it is nowhere to be found.

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